Editor's note: The powers that be at WND.com have told Michael Ackley he may submit the occasional column. As Golden State madness has accelerated, Mr. Ackley has succumbed to the urge to get back in the game. Hence, the items below. Remember that his columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.
"Kamala has the answer!"
An excited Howard Bashford, the vice president's deputy auxiliary assistant for matters of minor importance today (DAAMMIT) told us Ms. Harris, despite naysayers in the media, actually had come up with a solution to the crisis on our southern border.
"First off," he said, "Guatemalan President Alejandro Giammattei was utterly unreasonable when the vice president suggested that he – along with Juan Orlando Hernandez of Honduras and El Salvador's Nayib Bukele – agree that our immigration problems were due to their corruption.
"Sure, they'll go along with the idea that they have a minor, criminal-gang problem, but Giammattei and the others balk at the idea that they should take the blame."
Howard paused, took a sip from a water bottle, then went on:
"It was surprising, because – as you know – the vice president is a master of diplomacy, a model of tact. Her laugh alone is enough to disarm the most truculent official.
"Anyway, the trip helped her realize she didn't need to go to our border with Mexico, because the Northern Triangle was the key.
"She directed me, 'Draft the appropriate memo for President Biden, DAAMMIT!' That draft, over her signature, of course, will be a master stroke of American policy greater than the Monroe Doctrine."
Howard dipped into his brief case and extracted a single sheet of paper.
"Want to have a look?" he teased.
Of course, we did, and after proffering the draft and withdrawing it a couple of times – to build suspense – Howard handed it over. It didn't take long to read.
It said, "Annex Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador."
We told Howard it was a marvel of clarity, and he beamed, "Yes! And next, the vice president will go to Europe to sharpen her already remarkable diplomatic skills."
Meanwhile, back in California: Gov. Gavin Newsom, who may grapple with Harris for the Democrats' presidential nomination in 2024, seems to be leaning toward a gun-control strategy.
We discussed the idea with Newsom aide Amy Handleman, who said, "Somehow, we have to counter the secret reason – which nobody wants to discuss – why Americans want to hang on to their firearms."
We said, "It seems pretty clear. People want firearms for hunting and to protect their homes from criminals."
She scoffed, "Who goes hunting with an M-16? Who wants to haul a long gun out of their closet when a burglar is breaking in?"
"OK, then what?" we asked.
Amy replied, "You know the governor has retained his emergency powers under the COVID emergency, right?"
We agreed, and Amy continued, "He needs those powers 'just in case' of something like the pandemic or an earthquake. And there always is a 'just in case."
"You mean like a voter revolt over left-wing government policies?" we suggested.
"You're such a cynic," replied the governor's aide, "but regarding guns, that would be a real just in case."
Politics, the art of compromise: Correspondent Montgomery Montmorency suggests a GOP deal with the Democrats regarding District of Columbia statehood.
"Let the Dems have D.C.," he suggests, "but split Texas into five states, as provided in the resolution annexing the Texas Republic in 1845."
The resolution of March 1, 1845, says, in part:
"New States of convenient size not exceeding four in number, in addition to said State of Texas … may … be formed out of the territory thereof, which shall be entitled to admission under the provisions of the Federal Constitution. …"
So, D.C would get its House member and two U.S. senators, while the territory of the old Texas Republic would get at least four new members of Congress and eight new senators. This is eminently reasonable, don't you think?
Boondoggle back on track: President Joe Biden is pumping nearly a billion dollars into the foundering California high-speed rail project. You know, the one that will go from one sun-scorched, isolated Central Valley town (Bakersfield) to another (Merced).
Biden's $929 million will help save hours of time for those traveling the 163 miles from Bakersfield to Merced to pick up watermelons and pistachios.
All aboard!
On the other coast: A colleague wonders if New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo will get a pass on sexual harassment if he runs for president.
Why not? Joe Biden got one.
Another Clinton coincidence: The TV anchor who revealed Bill Clinton's infamous airport meeting with then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch has died.
Police are investigating the death of 45-year-old Christopher Sign as a suicide. Sign had moved his wife and three children from Arizona to Alabama for their safety after death threats followed his report on the Clinton/Lynch meeting.
Let's see: He cared deeply about his wife and kids. Check. He moved for their protection. Check. He reestablished his career. Check. He was a popular and award-winning journalist. Check. He killed himself. Right.
What is your favorite Clinton-linked suicide?
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